Letters
by Scarlett Rose
Summary: Christine's thoughts after Charles' birth - a continuation of Susan Kay's Phantom
1. Default Chapter

May, 1882  
  
My Darling Erik -  
  
I have no intent to record my memoirs permanently. I just need to write to you so that I can make these circumstances more real and less dream-like. After I write this, my love, I will burn this letter. Yet, I must get it down on paper to clear my dazed mind.  
  
Our son has been born.  
  
His name is Charles. Oh, Erik, he is so beautiful. So amazingly perfect. He and I had a difficult time after delivery but we're both doing fine now and he is right here at my side. I wish so desperately that you were as well.  
  
I am sorry, my love. I had to stop for a few minutes to shed the endless tears that stream from my eyes recently. My doctor has assured me that this is normal and to be expected. I merely smiled weakly at his ignorance.  
  
For no one, except you, could possibly begin to understand the whirlpool of deep emotion in which I am caught.  
  
Oh, God. Erik, our son. I cry continuously as I write this note. For I will never say those words and proudly present him to you. I will never see you hold the miracle of our love; this precious, exquisite result of our only union.  
  
He has your hands. I saw that right away. I do hope he has inherited even a little of your boundless talent. Charles is a very good-natured baby. He only cries when he is wet or hungry. You would be exceedingly proud of him. I stare into his eyes for hours when he is awake and I fancy that he knows. That he has the innate sense that his true papa is not here. He gazes at me with an intuitive understanding that comforts me in this bittersweet joy of motherhood. We share an undeclared bond that transcends the traditional mother/child relationship. Sometimes, I like to pretend that you are here with us.....beside me as I nurse him. I imagine that I will look up to see you watching us with wonderful astonishment at what we have created. You would simply adore him.  
  
That is the hardest part for me, I suppose. If I could have anything in the world, besides Charles, it would be to see you hold him, even just for one moment. I would give half of my life to see the priceless expression on your face as you held our son.  
  
Truly, it is amazing how many tears I can shed and still more fall. Dear God! Erik. It has been so hard. So exceedingly grueling without you. I sense you with me constantly and if it were not for your continuous silent fortification, I do believe I would go mad. Charles has softened the impact of your death somewhat. I thank you with all my heart for leaving me with such a treasure to remember forever that one glorious night we were allotted.  
  
It is strange, but I think I was aware that I was with child even before I left you. I knew that what we had experienced was not the end. In truth, it was the beginning, at least for little Charles. When I returned to my flat that day, I lay abed with Ayesha for so many days that I lost count. Raoul just assumed it was from my strain and I let him think such. Honestly, Erik, I was in shock. Shock from losing you in that precious moment when I handed you over to God, but also shock at the staggering intensity of what we had shared. Neither of us had ever known physical love before, but I was quite certain even then, that what we had given each other was far from ordinary. For over a week, my maid cared for me as I lay practically catatonic. I believe that Meg and Madame Giry came to visit at that time but I cannot be sure.  
  
Eventually, I attempted to rouse myself from my lethargy. Seriously rumpled, I bathed and could not help remembering your touch on my bare skin. I began to cry so violently that my maid had to send for the doctor who mercifully gave me tranquilizers. I do not recall anything after that until I was roused by my nervous maid who told me I had a foreign visitor.  
  
I knew immediately who it would be and dressed hastily. Ayesha incessantly circled the apartment while endlessly wailing. I envied her the liberty to grieve so openly.  
  
When I went into the parlor and saw Nadir, he looked upon me with such tender, knowing compassion that I went to his arms without compunction. He held me for quite a long time as I cried. Finally, I was able to release some of my secret grief with someone else who had known and cared for you. Such a solitary bereavement probably would have driven me insane and I am so grateful for his visit that day. He saw me to the divan and kept one hand in mine. I asked after your proper last rights and he assured me it had all been executed. Nadir seemed older somehow and we gazed at each other silently in shrouded alliance. Your presence was so strong that afternoon. So much so that, after a time, neither of us spoke. We just remembered. It was your memorial service and it was so acutely painful that the memory still moves me. You deserved so much more. Nadir appeared fidgety before he departed and when I inquired as to the cause, he handed me a box wrapped in twine. Then, he left with promises to keep in touch and I thanked him for his loyalty to both of us.  
  
Following his visit, I went into my bedroom and locked the door. I stared at the box with a curious mix of apprehension and eagerness. Sitting down on my bed, I carefully opened the twine and lifted the lid. What I saw inside left me breathless.  
  
Nadir had carefully packed away partial pieces of a composition you had written. It was incomplete, of course, but several pages were spared your crazed rage. Touching them reverently, I sobbed anew at my loss. Underneath the parchment lay several items from my room. I smiled through my tears at the familiar brush and mirror. There was a small item wrapped in tissue paper. I opened it with shaking hands and was dumbfounded. Out of all the items on my dressing table, how Nadir had known that single article meant more to me than all the others, I will never know. I like to believe that you somehow inspired him to place it inside that box. For inside lay the single, dried rose you presented to me the night of my stage debut. Smiling sadly, I brought it up to my nose.  
  
It was after that interview that I knew I must continue. Life would not swallow me up as I desired. I began to notice several changes in my body and a hope I dared not entertain grew each day.  
  
Raoul insisted we be wed at once, but I purposely detained him. I wanted to be certain that the child I carried was ours - yours and mine. After one month, I knew without a doubt. Offering Raoul an opportunity to break our engagement, he vehemently declined. Yet, he insisted we move to England away from all the memories. Knowing I carried part of you inside me was the only means of strength that permitted me to tiredly agree. We left France by ship and I recall standing watching the land recede into the horizon. I knew that I would never return there. But I had taken everything I needed with me.  
  
Well, my darling, it appears that your son is stirring and he will no doubt be hungry. Somehow, I pray that you were able to read my thoughts. Thank you for helping me wade through this wonderful, horrible time.  
  
Erik, I love you so. My soul misses you dreadfully.  
  
Yours Eternally -  
  
Christine 


	2. Chapter Deux

February, 1883  
  
My Dearest Erik -  
  
I am so very excited and I think it only right that you be the first to know. Charles just took his first step!!!!  
  
He's been standing and holding onto furniture for some time but just now, in my bedroom, he walked towards me. Rather unsteadily, of course, but he came to my waiting arms with a proud, toothless smile. I am stunned since he is only nine months old, but then again, I should not be when I consider who his Father is! Oh, I am so thrilled and exceedingly proud! I am all alone today aside from the servants and I felt it appropriate that you be the first to know.  
  
Charles is such a wonderful, beautiful boy, Erik. I pray that, wherever you are, you have been able to watch him grow. The ease with which he accomplishes milestones amazes me. For he sat up at four months of age, crawled at six months and now, our baby is walking! He's never any trouble and has such an easy-going nature. Like most newborns, his eyes were a deep blue but the color has not changed. I'm so grateful to God that he has his Father's eyes.  
  
And his first word. Were you there for that momentous occasion? I like to think that you were there, standing behind me. I know I shall never forget that cold, winter day when I was rocking him during his nap time. There are often days when I will hold him throughout his entire nap, just to have him in my arms. On this day, he slept lying against my chest and when he awoke, he rubbed his sleepy eyes adorably. Then, he lifted his head to look at me, as he always does. I am quite certain that it was merely my wishful thinking but he truly appeared to look up at the space over my shoulder when he said his first word. My heart stopped when he gurgled, "Papa." His eyes met mine again and he gave me that toothless smile that breaks my heart. Erik, were you there? Did you hear him? The heart- wrenching sobs tore from me without my will and poor Charles began to whimper from my distress. I wiped my tears then, smiled at him and repeated "Papa? Do you see Papa, my Precious?" All I received in answer was another gurgle but his first word seared into my consciousness. Most people would deem it a coincidence as many babies' first word is 'Papa'. Yet, most people aren't aware of the electric bond between us which time, space nor death can break.  
  
I do not know if you would like for me to write this to you, but I must tell you that Raoul is a very good father to Charles. Although he can never, ever begin to take your place, I am grateful that he plays with our baby in absolute ignorance as to Charles' true paternal identity. For Charles could do much worse and Raoul seems to genuinely care for him. One day, Charles will inherit a substantial fortune and will never need worry about his means.  
  
After Charles' difficult birth, I eventually wondered at Raoul's deliberate physical distance. Until the doctor enlightened me during one of my check- ups when Charles was 6 months old. The old doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I could not possibly carry another babe to term and survive. I remember as I absorbed this revelation that I asked him, with much embarrassment, about Raoul. The doctor refused to meet my eyes as he busily packed his little bag but assured me that he had spoken with Monsieur and Raoul quite understood. After I was alone again, I went to the window to look out at the beautiful English countryside. Tears streamed down my face when I realized that the only child I would ever hold in my womb and bear would be ours. It seemed a poetic irony, somehow. I must admit to you - and only to you - my Darling, that I was secretly relieved that I would be able to remain true to you at last. Whether or not you were aware of my fidelity, my heart accepted its penance with no regret. My only concern is that Charles will grow up an only child. Of course, Raoul and I never spoke of this matter but we have not slept in the same bed since Charles' birth.  
  
In light of such circumstances, it would seem to be an odd and strained marriage, but strangely, it is not. Raoul and I have resumed a comfortable, intimate yet, platonic friendship. He discusses his business concerns with me at times and each evening, I prattle on about Charles' day. There are several friends we entertain and at times, we attend balls and the occasional opera. Really, it is quite satisfactory and not as unpleasant as one would believe.  
  
I confess I am most content that our situation leaves my heart and soul belonging to the only person who ever owned it. That is you, my Darling Angel. Each and every evening, Raoul sweetly kisses my cheek and I retire to my bedroom. At times, the moon is shining through the French doors and I'm drawn to it like a magnet. I will stand on the balcony for hours at a time feeling the wind on my skin and imagining it carries your gentle caress. Often, I will close my eyes and upturn my face towards the stars knowing that my Angel of Music looks down upon me from Heaven. The only tie that keeps me earth-bound is our beautiful, precious little boy. I must do as you would wish and see him safely and lovingly to adulthood. Then, God willing, some day soon I shall join you, Beloved. My soul longs for you with my every breath.  
  
Mercy, how off topic I have strayed! I hope you will indulge me, my Precious Angel, and forgive my babbling. I am sitting at my writing desk and your son is chewing wetly on the hem of my gown so I do believe he is hungry. Thank you for sharing this moment with me. I so cherish the times when it is truly just the three of us. Until next time, my Beloved Guardian Angel, stay by my side and guide me.  
  
Yours Eternally -  
  
Christine 


End file.
